Never Say Never
by Earthangie
Summary: When Olivia finds out about her mother's death, she turns inward, leaving Alex guessing. Their relationship begins its path down destruction. Angst. AlexOlivia
1. Chapter 1

**Title: NEVER SAY NEVER**

**_ The Soundtrack Series_**

**Author: Earthangie**

**Pairing: A/O**

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: Characters not mine. Story not used for profit.**

**Chapter One:** Crawling Back to You i _Backstreet Boys_

But baby here I am

Bangin' on your front door

My pride spilled on the floor

My hands and knees are bruised

And I'm crawlin' back to you

Beggin' for a second chance

Are you gonna let me in

The rain was harsh and the lightning was threatening as Olivia beat her fists against Alex's door. The stoop was flooded at her feet and yesterdays paper was so wet, no one would ever be able to read it.

"Alex! Open this door, please!" Olivia screamed over the roar of the thunder. Rain cascaded over her grief stricken face. She was a determined woman and she wouldn't let Alex shut her out. She wouldn't let Alex lock her out of her life. She needed her… like she needed air to live. "ALEXANDRA!"

Her fists became raw as she beat the oak again and again. Alex was just as stubborn as she was, and she was well aware it would not be easy to even get her to hear her side. Her hands became numb as she let them fall to her sides. She was drenched and alone on this city street; on this woman's stoop. "Please…" she whispered letting her head drop against the door. She stood there as the cold water rolled over her hot face and down her sniffling nose. Her fingertips grazed the door as she felt herself drop down to her knees. She sat in front of it like a child… or a stray cat looking for shelter.

Olivia sat back on her feet, starring at the door. She wasn't going to leave until it opened, even if she had to sit there and catch pneumonia. She could die at that stoop if it proved to Alex that she loved her more than anything.

A cab pulled up to the building behind Olivia but she didn't bother turning around. She was up to her ears wasted and nothing mattered anyway. Alex wasn't going to open that door. She royally fucked up. She knew she did too. The soft click of rain panicked heels jumped out of the car and the sound of an umbrella popped open. Then the heels were silent. Rain bounced off the black nylon.

"Olivia?" A confused, and slightly annoyed, voice came.

Olivia turned her attention from the door to face the blonde she so desperately needed to see. Alex stood before her, a shiver went through her but she stood her ground.

"What are you doing here?" She asked. She tried so hard to be angry at Olivia but seeing her there; broken into a thousand pieces cracked through her wall… just a little.

"How could you go out with him?" She half yelled, half whimpered at the woman standing before her. The signature red dress Olivia would never forget peeked out from Alex's tan raincoat. Her waves had turned to curls, ringing at her brows. i She has natural curls/i Olivia thought.

"ME? We are over, remember? You did that to us! You did that!" She pointed an angry finger at the soaking woman shivering feverishly on the cold stone in front of her. "If I want to have a date with Trevor, that is my own Goddamn business!" Alex wanted the words to hurt Olivia. She was wounded from the mistakes Olivia had made and she wanted her to pay for what she did. So much of her wanted Olivia crying there but a bigger part of her still cared… so much. "Dammit Liv!" Alex said stomping her heel on the ground. She sighed, giving into the broken woman before her. She walked up the steps and looked down at her.

Olivia's sixth Sam Adams bottle slipped out of her freezing fingers and rolled up to the wall. Alex closed the umbrella. "Come on," she said, feeling as though she were speaking to child who just had a temper tantrum and was about to get her way because you just felt bad for that innocent little face. Alex reached down and slid her arms under Olivia's helping her to her feet.

Alex struggled to get them inside, Olivia hanging from her shoulder. She switched on the lights and steadied Olivia against the, now closed, door. "Don't move… you'll get water everywhere."

Alex quickly disappeared down the hall and reemerged with two towels. She laid one on the floor in front of Olivia. "This is for all the wet clothes." She stood behind Olivia; silently helping her shed the clothing. One by one the heavy articles dropped to the floor.

"Alex," Olivia started.

"I don't want to hear it," she replied firmly.

"You need to," Olivia pleaded softly, standing in her undergarments. She turned around to face Alex; to face the music. "I know I fucked up. It wasn't my fault, I—"

"You were drunk, is what you were. I'm supposed to take you back because you weren't accountable for your actions? That's bullshit Olivia. Look at yourself. Who's to say you won't do this again? How am I supposed to know you didn't do it tonight? Look at you. Look at yourself in the mirror," Alex scolded with a twinge of sadness.

Olivia looked over Alex's shoulder, into the mirror on the wall, at the circles under her eyes. She was a mess. She hadn't slept in… years, it felt like. The only time she did was on her days off when she would drown herself in Captain Morgan. She would never show up to work with a hangover. Her job was the only thing that gave her strength… and broke her apart at the same time. That was, until she had met Alex. Things had gone amazingly. They didn't always get to see each other but the time they spent together was indescribable. Olivia felt like nothing could take her down. Then it happened… her mother died. So much went with Serena went she toppled down those subway steps. Olivia drank that night. She drank hard. She drank to forget, to remember… maybe to celebrate her freedom. Who knows? She wasn't even sure herself. It was on that night, an Italian girl with raven hair and soft features literally cornered her. It was a mere ten seconds of her life that would ruin months of ecstasy, and future endeavors… and trusts with Alex.

_"What the hell is going on here?" Alex's sharp voice pierced through the music in the dark bar. She was like a homing device, zeroing in on the detective, about to explode. Olivia pushed the girl from her arms and tried to plead with the fuming blonde but her slurred speech might as well have been Japanese. _

Alex walked out of that bar and never turned back to listen to any kind of explanation…until tonight. Olivia had called countless times but refused to leave any kind of message except, "call me back, I can't explain myself to a machine." Alex never answered the calls.

"You need to take a shower," Alex said flatly to the woman starring deeply into the mirror, remembering all the actions leading up to yet another night of intoxication for her. Alex led her into the familiar bathroom and set a towel on the sink. Beside it she laid out flannel pants and a white t-shirt. "We'll talk when you get out."

Olivia stood under the scorching spray and her goose bumps felt like needles on her skin. The water burned, mostly because she was so cold, but she remained under the spray. She cried hard as the water branded her skin, transforming the bronze to beet red. She was punishing herself. She was constantly doing that. She never felt she was being punished enough, so she sought out her own ways to make herself feel better… or worse. She didn't even know anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:** Heard 'em Say_ Kanye West_

And I heard 'em say, nothin's ever promised tomorrow today

But we'll find a way

And nothin' lasts forever, but be honest babe

It hurts, but it may be the only way

They say people in your life for seasons

And anything that happen is for a reason

Alex didn't know what to say. She wasn't the one who betrayed trust. She wasn't the one falling apart at the seams. Still, she felt responsible some how. Could she have been there in another way for Olivia?

"Why didn't you come to me when you heard about your mother?" Alex asked, hurt evident in her tone.

"I don't know." Olivia answered, fidgeting nervously on the opposite end of the couch.

"You don't know much, do you?" Alex retorted bitterly.

"I do know, I didn't mean for that to happen in the bar Alex," Olivia started but the mention of it infuriated Alex, even though that's what they were here to discuss. It was why Olivia was outside beating on Alex's door for two hours. It was why her hand was bleeding…

"Jesus, you're hand!" Alex noticed the bruised knuckles and leaned forward to get off the couch but Olivia's other hand reached out and stopped her.

"Christ Alex, just listen to me for a minute! I'm not leaving this apartment until you hear what happened and the longer you skirt around it, the longer I stay…" Olivia's frustrated and tired voice shot out. It softened as she went on, "and I know you don't want me here. So just listen."

"I'll listen," Alex answered, somewhat surprised at Olivia's forceful tone. "But let me fix your hand please?" Olivia released the slight grip she had on Alex's arm, allowing her to venture into the bathroom. She reappeared with first aide tape and gauze. She sat back down on the couch, crossing her legs in front of her. She placed a pillow on her lap and took Olivia's left hand in hers. "Okay, start talking."

At the touch of the A.D.A., Olivia's pulse quickened and her body felt warmer than it already was from the hot shower. "Uhhm, I…" Alex obviously wasn't affected by the contact as her cold demeanor held strong.

"How much have you had tonight?"

"I… I don't remember. I'm not that bad anymore, really…" Olivia tried hard to concentrate on her task at hand. Not at the hand in hers and what tasks that delicate hand could accomplish. No, she had to think straight. "Alex, that night… It's hard to explain why I didn't go to you. Part of me just needed to run away but the other part wanted to be with you. I just…" Olivia sighed heavily, searching for words, trying desperately to open up to the blonde. The sound of Olivia's sigh sent butterflies streaming through Alex's stomach but she willed them away. Her anger was stronger than anything. "It's just that… Okay, well things with my mom were not your usual scenario. I'll spare you the details. She wasn't very nice when I was growing up. I, uh,"

Olivia pulled the bandaged hand from Alex's light grip. She turned away from the attentive blonde, scooting to the edge of the couch, facing out; she placed her elbows on her knees and her hands over her eyes. She was seriously regretting begging for this conversation to happen. But she had to be honest with this woman. She was the one Olivia never expected to come. Alex had saved her from her demons… until she messed everything up. Her childhood never needed to be mentioned, so it never hurt her but it was hurting her now… it had to be said. It was the only way Alex would understand.

"Ugh… she was a drunk; an angry drunk… a violent drunk. And uh, I guess… well I guess I've become that. She hated me and loved me at the same time. I was just a kid, you know? I didn't understand for a long time. But even if I did understand, it doesn't make that life we had, right." A tear slipped from Olivia's cheek. Alex knew Olivia's situation about her conception but she never dared confront her or ask her about it. Olivia had let it slip one night, after a night at Maloney's. She waited to see if Olivia would bring it up the next day but she never did.

"Olivia," Alex began softly.

"No, let me say it all. Let me say it before it goes, because I guarantee you… this conversation will never exist again in this lifetime."

Alex nodded silently, knowing Olivia meant that. She could see the torture this was causing her.

"I took care of my mother for years. I took care of her and that made me grow up real fast. I would steal some of her liquor when she was passed out, or gone. She never knew because she had so many stashed that she couldn't remember if she drank them or not. One night we got in a fight and I kicked her. It was the first time I ever hurt her. I felt ugly, uncontrollable and ashamed. I had been drinking a lot that night. So had she. I was no better than her. Drinking was the only thing that made me violent. I quit when I got older. When I moved out, things between us got a lot better. She saw all the care she was missing. Or at least, I like to think so. Anyway… when I heard she died, I didn't know what to do. I mean, even when I didn't live there, I was always checking on her. I was always needed by someone. I was someone's caregiver. It trapped me but was strangely comforting. I can't explain it. When Don told me the news… she was drunk. Her favorite pass time finally did her in. Under all the ugliness we saw together… she was still my mother… and I lost her. I didn't know how to deal so I tried not to. I was so drunk that night at the bar. I wanted to be so far from you." Alex went to open her mouth in some kind of protest but Olivia turned to look her straight in the eye before anything could be said. "I swear to God, if I ever hurt you… I don't even want to think about it. The honest truth is I was trying to protect you from my actions. Really Alex, I could never forgive myself… What if I hit you? What if I lost control and really, really hurt you?"

Alex understood part of it but her words came out faster than she would have liked, "you did loose control… and you did hurt me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:** Anticipate _Ani DiFranco_

we don't say everything that we could  
so that we can say later  
oh, you misunderstood  
I hold my cards up  
close to my chest  
I say what I have to  
and I hold back the rest

Olivia bowed her head at the hard words from the blonde. It pained her to even hear them, but she knew… she was right.

Alex stood from the couch looking harshly at the brunette before her. "You may stay the night… Be gone in the morning." With that she walked out of the living room; her words hung in the air as Olivia sat with her eyes wide and her mouth open. She could not believe the words Alex spoke. How could she be so heartless? Olivia had opened up and laid her cards all on the table. She didn't do it for fun. It was her ultimate sacrifice. How could Alex discard her so easily?

Her chest tightened as she looked around the room in panic. She couldn't sit here… on _her_ couch, in _her_ clothes, in apartment. She was surrounded by sights and smells of Alex. She could not wait until morning. She had to get out now.

Olivia got to her feet and swiftly and silently made her way to the front door. She looked down at her wet clothes and scooped them up inside the towel. Alex stepped out of the bedroom just in time to see the back of Olivia's head, as she closed the door slowly behind her.

"Home sweet home," Olivia huffed, making her way up the steps of the 1-6. It was closer than her apartment but she didn't want to go there anyway. There was a hint of Alex in every room there; a picture by the bed, Alex's stockings in the shower and spare clothes in the closet. She would never escape the woman. Did this mean she wanted to?

Up in the crib, Olivia laid her wet clothes from the surrounding cots, beside the heater, to dry. Maybe no one would notice if she strutted them again in the morning. She lay down on a bottom bunk and stared up at the one above her. She couldn't sleep. When could she ever? Had she really lost Alex? Maybe if she left her alone for a while, Alex would cool down and talk reasonably with her. She hoped.

"Liv," a deep tone, barely above a whisper was beside her, as the mattress sank at his weight. She rolled over to see Elliot's soft smile. "You didn't answer at the apartment when I called. I just figured…"

"You know me too well," Olivia mumbled softly.

"What happened?" He didn't know she was out drinking but he probably guessed. He had watched, helplessly for days as Olivia turned inward and waged a war with herself.

"She… I tried to tell her," Olivia said bringing a hand to her forehead, sliding it down over her eyes to shield the tears that threatened to slip from them.

"Come on," Elliot said, lifting the hand from her eyes and pulling her up. When her head made contact with his shoulder she tried to catch her breath; tried to hold it back. She caught the whiff of her, still, damp hair. Every strand was woven with the scent of Alex's expensive shampoo, shamelessly falling in her face as the mixture of scents on the t-shirt assaulted her nose. She couldn't take it.

"What have I done? She's so out of reach… I don't know what to do now…" Olivia's face filed with blood, transforming her bronze skin to blush rose. Her eyes spilled with tears as she let it out on the one man that was always there to catch her when she fell; her best friend.

Elliot rocked her gently as he tried to shush her. He was grateful to be of some help to her, after watching her suffer like she had, so silently. He offered her the only words that he could, "It'll be alright Liv. Give it time."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:** _Grace is Gone . Dave Matthews Band_

One drink to remember then another to forget

How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again

One drink to remember and another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink

Could make it strong cause I don't need to think

She broke my heart my Grace is gone

Two weeks pass as Olivia and Alex spent their days as far apart as possible. Sure, they spoke at the station and the courthouse, but only because they were extremely professional women. Elliot would try to do most of the talking when they were all together. He hated the tension between the two. He knew how much Olivia was hurting and he often wondered if Alex knew. He had thought seriously about coming by her office to talk with her about it but he knew all to well that Olivia would castrate him. As for he and Olivia, they hadn't talked about it since that morning in the crib. He tried to get her to open up about it every once in a while but she deflected him every time. She was a master at that. As far as she was concerned, trying to forget all about Alex was the only logical solution… even if it _was_ failing miserably.

On this particular day in the 1-6, things were slow going. That is, until, Alex came racing into the precinct with her war face on. As much as Olivia wanted to hate Alex, her breath still caught in her throat when she entered the room. Elliot sensed his partners alerted eyes and turned to see Alex hurricane into Cregan's office yelling something about I.A.B. getting in her way.

About a second behind her, a confused young woman, timidly entered the room. Olivia's eyes widened. Even Elliot, being the married man he was, could not help but notice the striking beauty. Olivia couldn't pin point it but the girl looked oddly familiar. She stood a second before Elliot could and approached the dark haired young woman.

"I'm Detective Olivia Benson. Can I help you with something?" Olivia asked softly. The girl began to say something about her sister as her eyes scanned the room. When they landed on Olivia's face, a small gasp escaped her. "Are you alright?" Olivia asked, somewhat puzzled at the reaction.

"You're that woman," she said. The question in Olivia's expression made her go on, "from Maloney's. Your girlfriend came in and yelled at you…"

_Fuck.._ Olivia thought. Elliot quickly lost interest in his computer screen and whipped around in his chair to look at the woman that had caused his best friend to question her life daily for the last two weeks. Olivia sensed Elliot's brotherly protective instincts kicking in and quickly took action. The last thing she needed was Elliot freaking out… or Alex walking out of Cregan's door, seeing this girl here; or both.

"Why don't we go talk somewhere private," Olivia said, her body temperature rising with her internal panic. She led the girl upstairs to the interview loft, after shooting Elliot a "you-better-not" look.

"I didn't know you were a cop… wow," the girl said, sitting opposite Olivia.

"Okay well," Olivia didn't know what to do with this situation. She scratched the back of her head nervously.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I got you in trouble that night… I didn't know. I had, had a lot to drink actually," the girl confessed with guilt on her tongue, remembering the ugly scene Alex displayed.

"No, it's okay. It was my mistake… Why don't you tell me your name and why you are here," Olivia replied distantly, trying her best to be professional and objective.

The girl seemed slightly hurt that Olivia had brushed her off but all swooning aside, more important matters had arisen. Either way, it was taking all of Olivia's will power not to jump over the table and ring the girl's neck for being such a loose drunk.

"My name is Lucia. I have a sister who is about seventeen. Her name is Mia," Olivia jotted down the names and listened as Lucia's voice began to tremble. She looked up, noticing the young woman's cool, green eyes, and the tears that threatened them. "Um, well, our father, Joseph has hurt me all my life… I'm used to it, but I suspect he is hurting Mia now too. I can't let it happen to her, she's just a child."

"Hurting you… as in, sexual abuse?" Olivia needed to clarify. Lucia nodded. "How old were you when the abuse began?"

"I was fourteen but I kind of went through puberty early. Mia's a small girl… she's only began to really grow into herself. I've started to notice the looks he gives her and one in a while he'll touch her hip or something when no one's looking. It's how he started with me…" Lucia explained, her voice trailing off.

Cregan's door opened and Olivia's eyes shot down to it. She was by the railing but Lucia was out of sight at the other end of the table. Olivia watched as Alex approached Elliot and they spoke briefly. She felt her stomach flutter when she caught Alex glance at her desk for a second too long. Elliot spoke as his eyes looked up at me. Alex turned and caught eyes with Olivia for a moment. Olivia offered a half smile but Alex turned back to Elliot, threw a few words his way and left the precinct as fast as she had come in. Elliot gave a sympathetic look as Olivia turned back to the girl in front of her.

"We're going to have to have you write a statement," she said in an empty tone. Lucia looked at Olivia with a questioning glare. She had come to the precinct for help and all she felt was a cold shoulder. She had no knowledge of the irreparable damage she had caused between two stubborn women in the 1-6.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:** The Warmth . _Incubus _

So don't let the world bring you down.  
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.  
Remember why you came and while you're alive  
experience the warmth before you grow old.

"I shouldn't have come here," Lucia got to her feet and Olivia snapped back into reality. She needed to be there for this woman. She was a victim. After all, that's what Olivia's life was for… being there for the victims.

"No, Lucia, wait," Olivia quickly stepped forward, reaching out and taking the young woman's shoulders. "Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so…" What was she going to say? She was going to have to tell Lucia. She felt horrible for making this girl so uncomfortable. It wasn't her fault this all happened. She was in the wrong place at all the wrong times it seemed. "After you write a statement, I will have to start an investigation. Our assistant district attorney happens to be my girlfriend."

Lucia's eyes registered the surprise and Olivia cursed internally. Alex was a sponge; that woman forgot nothing. She would recognize Lucia, Olivia was sure of it. "She won't help me then?" Lucia asked, as though she was reading Olivia's mind at that very moment.

"Oh no, no! We're all going to do everything in our power to help you okay?" The doubted look that Lucia offered Olivia made her heart sink a little. "I mean it Lucia. We're going to help, I promise."

Alex's afternoon had been spent fighting on the phone with internal affairs and trying desperately to organize her case loads. Of course none of that was going through her mind as Elliot threw her office door open. The sound broke the calm silence and startled Alex, causing her to drop a folder she was about to file.

"Elliot!" She exclaimed, picking up the papers from the floor.

"What the hell is your problem?" Elliot barked.

"What in the world are you talking about!" She jumped to her feet. Alex was genuinely confused at Elliot's outburst. What was he so heated about?

"I think you know Alex. Jesus, can't you just see it? She's a mess without you!" Elliot's words sank into Alex but they didn't sit well at all.

"What business do you have-" Alex crossed her arms over her chest, turning to challenge Elliot with her body language.

"Ha! What business do I have, what? Between you and the woman I see everyday of my waking life? Now I told myself I would stay out of it… or I tried to anyway. She told me what happened. How could you just shit on her like that!" Elliot really wanted to know when he asked that because he couldn't think of any kind of a reason why Alex would leave Olivia out to dry like she had.

"Aren't we missing a key factor here?" Alex tried to wedge in some kind of defense but Elliot was quicker. Any bystander probably wouldn't even know that Alex was one of New York's finest lawyers. She looked like a little girl, getting in trouble for taking the car out without permission.

"Which one, Alex? The part where Olivia's mother JUST DIED? Or the part where she came to you on her fucking knees, told you something it took her two years to even mention to me, because she wanted to prove to you that she trusts you more than anyone? Which part Alex? So, she fucked up. It's been a shitty month, don't you think? Why don't you cut her a break?" There was no time to answer any of the questions Elliot spit at her. She just stood there, dumbfounded at the detective's defense for his partner. "I saw her today when you came in… She smiled at you. That was the first time I've seen her smile in weeks… and she gave that smile to you. What did you do?" This time Elliot paused. He wanted to hear her say it. Alex just stood there. Guilt invaded every pour of her body. How could she have been so selfish? Elliot was right. This wasn't just some drunken splurge. How could she turn her back on that woman? "What did you DO Alex?"

"Nothing." Alex's answer was almost inaudible.

"I know. I saw you. I think you owe someone an apology," Elliot's voice lowered as he saw the slight glimmer of a tear in Alex's right eye. He wondered if he was imagining it but the look on her face was unmistakable. Alex felt horrible. He turned to leave, already worrying what Olivia would say when she found out.

"Elliot," Alex called. He stopped but didn't even bother to look at her. "Why are you telling me now?"

"Olivia didn't need to see what just happened here." A thought came to him and he turned to look her right in the face, "and she doesn't need me adding to her stress and misery. She's got you for that."

"I'm sorry." It was all Alex could say.

"You're telling the wrong person." He shut the door quietly behind him as he left Alex standing there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:** Scream . _Zoegirl _

Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome  
Does anybody care what's going on?  
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm  
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?  
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?  
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me  
Do I need to scream?

"What is wrong with me?" Alex spoke to no one but the question bounced off the freshly closed door. She had to go see Olivia right this second. If she didn't talk to her now, she might not ever get the nerve back. She might talk herself out of it. She might find some reason not to do it. She always did. She dropped the folder on her desk and grabbed her purse. She had to beat Elliot to the station.

Hailing a cab she told the driver, "One Police Plaza, as fast as you're able."

"Yes ma'am," the driver said automatically. He wasn't joking either. The cab took off and Alex braced herself against the door.

When she reached the precinct, she raced up the stairs to the elevator. That's when it hit her. What the hell was she going to say? Would Olivia tell her to go to hell? She felt she deserved it. What if Elliot beat her here? It would be so awkward. The elevator opened on her floor and she stepped into the hall. She took a deep breath and walked into the room. Olivia wasn't at her desk. In fact, none of the lead detectives were there. She wasn't ready for this. She suddenly felt stupid for standing in the middle of the precinct with no excuse to be there.

"Cabot, what's up?" Alex whipped around to face Fin. "Need somethin'?"

"I…" She cleared her throat and gave her best, fake, war face, "I needed to speak with Olivia about her case. I see she's not here though, so…"

"Cregan let her off early today," Fin said, trying to read Alex's face for her intensions. He ultimately decided why she was really there. He trusted Alex wasn't there to make any trouble. "She's at the pier." He gave away Liv's favorite spot but he knew Alex wouldn't tarnish it. She offered him a hint of a smile as she thanked him and made her way out of the room and back to the streets.

The car ride was nerve wracking for her. She didn't expect the scenario at the precinct to falter like it did. After all, it was all figured out in her head. She would walk in, see Olivia, the right words would come to her and things would work out. But this wasn't her head… this was real life. She was dealing with someone's real pain. She had disregarded it so easily. She should have known Olivia would react this way to her mother's death. She should have watched her… should've been there for her.

"Pier 9, ma'am," the cab driver halted all thoughts. Alex paid the driver and got out of the vehicle.

She turned and looked out over the area. The wind blew fiercely, pulling her hair in all different directions. She struggled to hold it all back just to be able to see. She scanned the line of docks when she noticed a tall, sturdy figure standing alone in the distance. Olivia was dressed head to toe in black. Her silhouette was crisp against the grey sky.

This was it. Alex came down here to see her and there she was. She began the hike over to the woman. The wind was blowing so hard, her hair flew into her eyes and she didn't notice the debris in front of her. With a surprised yelp she tripped and hit the cement.

"Son of a bitch," Alex cursed under her breath noticing her ripped stockings and a peek of blood. She picked herself and her purse off the ground. She brushed herself off and when she moved her hair out of her face again, she saw Olivia staring at her. She looked so noble and beautiful at the edge of the water. A sad sort of grace surrounded her.

Olivia hadn't moved from her spot at the edge of the docks, she had simply turned to look at the clumsy A.D.A. Alex felt a twinge of embarrassment. Olivia just stood there; her face a blank slate. Maybe this was a mistake to come here? But as Alex stood there, feelings of defeat and stupidity washing over her, Olivia took a few steps forward and stopped. That was all it took for Alex to react. She began walking towards Olivia slowly, the kink in her knee ironing itself out.

A rush of emotions flooded her, she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the pained look on Olivia's face. She could see the battle the woman had inside, whether to accept the A.D.A.'s presence or push it away. She didn't care about any of it right now anyway. Alex's brisk walk turned quickly to a jog until she was seconds from Olivia. She hesitated before throwing her arms around the quiet woman but Olivia didn't notice because she was hugging Alex before she knew it. She closed her eyes as Alex's cheek brushed her own. She was content for just a moment, knowing Alex was on her side. The questions as to why she changed her mind soon followed.

"I'm so sorry," Alex whispered to the confused but grateful detective. She remained silent, unsure of what to say. Alex pulled back, sensing Olivia's uncertainty. Her nerves wafted through her insides, coming and going.

"I should be honest with you," Alex began her unexpected confession.

"You should," Olivia said softly.

"The reason I didn't stick around… I mean, when you found out," Alex couldn't finish her sentence. Olivia wondered why Alex would be upset by _her_ mothers death. She never even met her.

Alex looked down at her feet. Her hair blew wildly around their faces. The dull golden strands slid over Olivia's nose and across her cheek. Alex pulled the tangled locks out of her eyes with a frustrated huff. Olivia carefully brushed the hair away and held it in a low pony tail behind her head. She stood there, holding Alex's hair and waited for her to continue.

"My mother died when I was fifteen. She was pretty cold when I was growing up but when she died I felt like…" Alex's eyes searched the area, as though she were searching for the words to be written on the streets. "There was something missing in me. We didn't even really get along but I felt so guilty because I had all this time to try to get to know her and instead I just ignored her." Olivia didn't need Alex to go on, everything made sense. It was never a question whether Alex had trust issues. She had those, right from the beginning, but Olivia knew there was something else dividing them these last few weeks. Now she knew. "When you-"

"It's okay Alex." Alex looked at the understanding woman in front of her as her relief washed through her entire body. Olivia's hands let go of Alex's hair and she touched her chin for only a second before turning Alex towards the street. She put her arm around the woman and led her back into the city. "I'm sorry about your mother."

"I'm sorry about yours," the blonde answered back. The pain in her chest remained but she hoped this split was just a bump in the road. After the way she acted, she could only hope that Olivia would allow things to go back to how they were.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:** Breathe In . _Frou Frou_

  
What part of no don't you understand I've told you before  
To just get off my case this isn't happening stop this now  
And I where was I? I have to be somewhere  
Now where did I put it?  


A week barely passed when the calls started. Alex had resumed her place by Olivia even though both of their trusts had been shaken for one reason or another. Then again, no one in this world has rock solid trust right?

"3:20 a.m.? Liv? It's your cell. Liv," Alex shook the shoulder of the exhausted detective.

"God damn," she answered groggily. "Benson… What? Are you alright? Calm down. Yeah, I'll come get you. Where are you? Ok, ok, alright just calm down for me okay?" The detectives mind snapping awake instantly.

"Who was that?" Alex, now wide awake, inquired.

"This girl came into the station a week ago. It's been, uh," Olivia scratched her head as she stood up, swiping pants off a nearby chair.

"What? What happened to her?"

"She's some girl I met in bad circumstances and she came in and reported a crime. I felt bad, and I took the case. Now she says her sister is missing and she's freaking out. The girl probably just ran away." Olivia pulled a sweater on and grabbed for her shoes.

"Are you going to call Elliot?" Alex wondered.

"Nah, I think I can handle it."

"Do you want me to come with you? I'll probably end up getting this case anyways," Alex offered but Olivia was oddly distracted.

"No, no, that's fine. One of us should get some sleep. I'll see you later." Olivia bent down and kissed the confused blonde.

Lucia was a mess when Olivia got to the apartment. For starters the girl was drunk off her ass. Her apartment looked like a war scene. Clothes littered every surface and pizza boxes lined the coffee table.

"Lucia, are you alright? Have you been out of the apartment lately?" Olivia asked, observing the scene.

"No, I'm not going out and no one's coming in! Mia is gone, she left me here!" Lucia slurred her words as she dropped back onto her couch.

"I thought you said Mia's missing? Do you think she ran away or do you think something is wrong?" Olivia needed to get these facts straight.

"Well put this together, my father is missing also. Mia wouldn't just leave like that. She has school and she was trying to get into college. She wasn't about to fuck up her life… even though our father has done plenty of that already." Lucia said, starring at the blank TV screen.

"How did you find out they were missing?" Olivia asked. She was hoping this was all just Lucia's drunken delusion.

"I've been calling Mia all day today and finally I called the house. My mother answered. She had just got home from work and said that no one was home."

"What time was this?"

"Seven this evening," Lucia said angrily.

"Lucia, don't you think they could've just been out? It's a little early for a missing persons report."

"Really? Then why did my mother call here a half hour ago, looking for Mia?" Lucia's eyes burned into Olivia.

"I'll tell you what. I know you probably won't want to do this, but I need to come down to the station. We'll call your mother and have her meet us down there too. I'm going to have to speak with her also." Olivia said uneasily. She could only hope Lucia would cooperate in her inebriated state.

"Another statement? Is that all you people do? Make us write novels on the shit that happens to us? Bullshit." She said angrily, getting off the couch and disappearing down the hall.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked, getting to her feet.

"Getting my fucking coat," she answered.

It turned out that Mia and her father, Joseph, really were missing. The squad had been looking for two days before Alex had to be involved. Elliot had tried everything to avoid it, knowing what it could do to the relationship Alex and Liv were trying to patch up.

"What do you need the warrant for?" Alex said as she rounded Elliot's desk to approach the two detectives.

"Lucia claims abuse but the case is too old for her. Her sister still lives in the house and Lucia wants to get her out so she can get guardianship of her sister." Elliot explained.

"How old is Lucia?" Alex asked. Elliot glanced at Olivia, who was 'busy' with her computer.

"She's 31," Olivia answered, never tearing her eyes from her screen.

"So what's the warrant about?"

"Well," Elliot continued, "Lucia said that when she was being abused, her father took pictures. She's never seen any of her sister but she's convinced that they are there."

"I can't do anything on that. It's only a guess. If she can prove they were taken of her then _maybe_ I can do something with that," Alex argued.

"Excuse me, are you the A.D.A.?" The three turned to see the disheveled Italian girl.

Olivia's heart sank as she watched the curve of Alex's jaw just drop. She closed her eyes for a minute and Alex turned to look at her. The detective just shook her head innocently. What could she do? She couldn't drop the case. She didn't know how to tell Alex. Things were just getting worse for her.

"Olivia, a word." Alex's harsh tone hung in the air as Elliot quickly whisked Lucia upstairs to talk to her. Neither detective needed Lucia at the station for anything and her presence had floored the room in seconds.

"Alex," Olivia started but no words followed. Alex was fuming.

"Did you forget to tell me something?" Alex face was inches from Olivia's as her angry whisper assaulted the detective.

"Alex, I didn't know how," Olivia confessed honestly.

"Why is she here? Did she follow you?" Alex's jealous was easy to spot.

"Oh come on, Alex. She walked into the station one night. She was just as surprised to see me here as I was to see her. This is a real case here. We have a real situation." Olivia tried to make this about business but it wasn't working.

"You bet your ass we have a situation," Alex started but Olivia wouldn't have it.

"Look, I know why you hate her and you can all you want but listen to me for minute. The girl is a mess. She's a victim and it's my job to protect her." Olivia would never pick who to help. Any person that came to her, she would do anything for. This person was no different.

"Were you protecting her a couple nights ago?" Alex asked, wincing at her own ugly comment.

Olivia stood there starring at the angry blonde for a moment. Alex's face registered embarrassment and she sighed. "If you have to ask me that, then we have a problem." Olivia said as she felt her face turn red with anger.

"Girls," Elliot came up to them. He could see the tension and anger. He gently placed a hand on each of their shoulders and gently guided them apart. "Liv, I need you here. We got a call from the father to the mother from a New Jersey line. Cabot, Cregan needs to see you in his office." He eyeballed the women who's eyes never left each others faces and decided to step away from the potential line of fire.

"I was out of line," Alex admitted in a tone no softer than her accusing one.

"Yes you were," Olivia answered back with a hard look. How could Alex even insinuate that she was cheating? After going crazy without her she was never going to screw it up again.

Alex let out a sigh and broke the eye contact first, "I was just surprised. I'm sorry, you do your job and I'll do mine."

Olivia watched Alex walk over to Cregan's office and disappear behind the wooden door. She looked up at the ceiling as her eyes misted. She willed all emotion away. Were things going to keep going like this? She only feared they'd be getting worse.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:** Everything is Alright . _Motion City Soundtrack_

  
I used to rely on self-medication.  
I guess I still do that from time to time.  
But I'm getting better at fighting the future.  
Someday you'll be fine.  
Yes, I'll be just fine.  


Neither woman wanted to discuss Lucia's presence at the station that week, but every time Olivia's cell rang, Alex eyed her suspiciously. Alex had good reason too; Lucia called constantly. She would ask Olivia if they had any breaks in the case, or she would beg her to visit her apartment because she felt scared. Olivia would let the woman down as gently as she could each time. She even sent a detail over one night. Lucia hated that move and resisted calling for two days after that.

Saturday was the first day the two women had off on the same day in a very long time. Olivia felt especially worried about the shaky relationship between her and Alex especially since Lucia's case was going no where, and she was going to have to keep dealing with the woman until it did. Olivia wanted to use the time off to help strengthen the bond she knew was still there, striving to get out.

"Where did you say we were going?" Alex asked, pushing her sunglasses over her long hair, positioning them like a headband.

"It's not anything fancy Alex, I don't want to mislead you or anything," Olivia admitted with a laugh.

"Then why don't you just tell me?" Alex asked with a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

"I don't really know," Olivia said, walking up behind the blonde. Alex carefully adjusted her earrings in the mirror. Seeing Olivia smile made her attitude soften. "I just want to roam the city today. I don't want to concentrate on timed reservations or traffic or anything. No stress." She hugged the blonde from behind and kissed her cheek before disappearing into the living room in search of her shoes.

Alex starred in the mirror for a minute. She could still feel the tingle of warmth where Olivia's arms had rested a moment before. It had been a while since Olivia had shown any kind of affection. Alex knew Olivia's nerves about Lucia's case were killing her but Alex couldn't stand the way that Lucia had shoved herself into Olivia's life. So much of the blonde wanted to just let it go, but it seemed to be so much harder than she thought possible.

"Ready to go?" Olivia's voice sounded from the other room.

"Yeah, I'm coming!" Alex called back, snatching her bag and keys. She wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. She missed that broken in, comfortable love, they used to share. Now everything was eggshells, and it was awkward sometimes, or tense. They both had enough of that at work. She looked forward to the day with Olivia and hoped it would rekindle some old heartfelt feelings… as mushy as that sounded; even to her.

The hours of the day went smoothly. It was sunny, beautiful and borderline warm. Olivia had them walking the length of the city. They chatted like old girlfriends who hadn't seen each other in years. Neither mentioned the courthouse, the station, or work at all.

"You stole your mother's car and crashed it?" Olivia laughed against the lid of her latte.  
"Yeah, I wasn't always this boring," Alex joked, rolling her eyes.

"I don't find you boring at all," Olivia said inside her fading laugh. Alex fell silent for a moment and Olivia's eyes darted across the street. "Let's cross here."

They found an entrance to Central Park and decided to continue their hike into the only green area in the city.

"Come on, you never did anything crazy when you were young?" Alex asked, bringing the conversation back.

"Oh I did plenty thank you. I was insane. I never crashed a car though," Olivia said smiling. "I used to crawl out my window at night and go riding with my girlfriend. We got in all sorts of trouble. It's kind of funny I ended up a cop." Olivia's mind wandered to another time and Alex watched her curiously.

"You knew back then?" the blonde pushed.

"When I was seventeen... I didn't know what 'it' was. You know? I dated boys too. There was just this girl and she was so open about her sexuality. We were best friends for a while because we were both outcasts of a sort. She was so different from anyone I ever knew. I loved that she was so bohemian and exotic," Olivia said distantly.

"What happen to her?" Alex asked.

"She, uh, overdosed… on heroin," Olivia confessed, looking everywhere but the blondes face.

"I'm sorry," Alex responded, feeling partly guilty that she was relieved, this enchanting girl of Olivia's was not ever going to come take her away. Was Lucia really getting to her that her defense was always up? She didn't like this side of herself. She did her very best to hide it… and it worked, most of the time.

"It's okay. She had a bad home life too-" Olivia silently cursed herself for letting herself slip. She knew Alex would pry so she quickly guided the conversation elsewhere. "Do you want to sit? We've been walking forever."

"Well, I'm getting quite the work out today. It's good for us… but yes. Let's." Alex said with a smile, sensing Olivia's resistance.

They found a bench near the water and Alex pushed her shoes off. They sat silently for a minute, watching a young boy and his dog rolling around a few feet in front of them.

"I love kids," Olivia said quietly, looking adoringly at the child.

"I know," Alex could see a spark in Olivia that she wished she had.

"You don't?" Olivia wondered aloud, turning to the blonde.

"They scare me a little," Alex said with a half smile. She looked back at the pair in the grass. "I can handle adults, I can handle myself, but kids… they are another species. They're so fragile and… I don't know," Alex's brows furrowed as she searched for the words she couldn't find.

"No it's okay, I know what you mean," Olivia looked down at Alex's hands. They fidgeted on her lap, picking at the paper on her water bottle. Olivia pulled the bottle gently from the blonde's hands, causing Alex to turn her attention to the brunette next to her… who was now lacing their fingers together. They both felt the twinge of electricity move through their veins as they their hands melted together. It was a simple gesture but the meaning ran deeper than both of them would ever admit.

Both women were exceptionally guarded with their emotions, even when their relationship was fresh, all those months ago. They had the kind of relationship that was based on attraction but lived in convenience. They needed each others company more than either even realized. It didn't mean that they didn't love each other… they did. But between their work, their stubborn attitudes and their arguments, they had a hard time holding it all together. However, there were moments, little pieces of time… like now, that reminded them why they were still sleeping in the same bed every night.

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand and they smiled like teenagers at each other. This is what Olivia wanted. It was what this afternoon was about; finding this feeling again. However, when Alex's face quickly rolled into a hard, surprised look, the ever present pit in her stomach resurfaced. She turned to follow Alex's eyes and they landed on Lucia, approaching them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: **James Blunt . _You're Beautiful_

You're beautiful, it's true.  
I saw you face in a crowded place,  
And I don't know what to do

_'Oh Jesus,' _Liv thought as she saw Lucia's eyes narrow in on them. This wasn't just some stroll in the park. She felt Alex's hand slip from hers. "Let me handle this okay?" Liv pleaded with her eyes for Alex to understand.

"I'll be across the street at Starbucks," Alex answered. She didn't want anymore contact with this intruder than she needed. Damn that girl. Did she really think she and Olivia were blind? No one just bumps into each other in New York. It's too big and too crazy. It just doesn't happen. In one sweep, Alex had her purse on her shoulder and she was hitting the cross walk.

"Olivia," the young woman smiled brightly at her, "funny finding you here. Is that Alex leaving?"

"Lucia, what are you doing?" Before Lucia could sit beside her and get comfortable, Olivia was on her feet confronting her.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on," Olivia said shaking her head. "Listen, you can't keep calling me and showing up at the precinct."

"Wha--," Lucia looked genuinely confused. "You gave me that number... You said that if I needed something to come in."

"Yes, I did," Olivia wasn't sure how to handle this conversation. She didn't want to insult the young woman but this was getting to be a little much. "I think you're taking advantage of that a bit. I _am_ here to help you and I promise you, I'll do everything I can to help find your sister..." As Olivia spoke Lucia's face fell. "Do you have any family or friends you could stay with until we find your father and sister?"

"I... Uh..." she stumbled over her words, as she fidgeted nervously. "Yeah, you know, I'm sorry to be a bother."

"No Lucia, you're not a bother to me. I just think you should try and relax. Maybe get out of the city for a while? Trust us to do our jobs, okay?" Olivia said, giving a half smile and turned to find Alex at the coffee shop.

"Yeah, okay..." Lucia's voice trailed off as Olivia walked away.

A month seemed to pass quicker than expected and Lucia had was still showing up, every now and again. Her father and sister were long gone and no leads had turned up. The case had gone cold for now. There was nothing anyone could do. Alex and Olivia were doing alright with their relationship. At times, Olivia was convinced it was one sided. Ironically, during those periods were she felt unappreciated by Alex, Lucia would always call, asking about her family. Olivia found it odd, she almost wanted to talk to the girl but she held herself back. Alex was always nose deep in her paperwork, or staying late at the office. Elliot would always listen but sometimes she just felt wrong putting her problems on him. He needed to go home and spend time with his family. This left Olivia out in the cold with nothing but a ringing cell phone from a girl who, most likely, felt exactly the same.

The two had made it to the begining of February, hanging on by a thread. The case loads the two had were getting heavy. They hardly saw each other, even though they were living in Olivia's apartment. Some night's it was just easier for Alex to go to her own place. It was closer to her office. Olivia told Alex she understood not because she wanted Alex to believe it, but because she wanted to make herself believe it. If anyone knew what case loads could do to a person, it was Olivia. So she found it hypicritical that she couldn't be more understanding when dates were broken and nights were shared in different parts of the city.

The separation was tearing Olivia apart, especially since her current cases were pretty gruesome. She and Alex used to sit down and talk about their cases in the evenings. At first, they used to leave work... at work. But Olivia saw the strain it was putting on Elliot's marriage and insisted they start talking at night.

Alex didn't like the idea at first but she quickly found how helpful it was to get out all her personal thoughts on each case. But Alex was coming home late everynight, or sometimes not at all, for the past couple weeks. Olivia knew it wasn't her fault but it still got under her skin when she walked into her empty apartment.

_Her work has to come first,_Olivia reminded herself. "But my work is killing me," she said, looking across the kitchen table at the vacant place setting.

-Ring!-Ring!-Ring!-

Olivia's cell broke the defining quiet that surrounded her. She jumped for it, hoping it was Alex calling to tell her she was on her way. It was only 8:30 p.m. It would make for an early night for them.

"Benson," she tried to hide her excitement.

"Olivia? Hi."

_Lucia. Dammit. Not now. Not when my walls are so low. How am I going to get out of this conversation?_Olivia thought to herself.

"Hi," Olivia's tone dropped and Lucia could sense the disappointment.

"Waiting for a call for someone? You're not busy are you?" The raven haired girl asked politly.

"No, what did you need?" Olivia's tone was annoyed, she couldn't help herself.

"Joseph is dead. He was shot in Jersey," Lucia's voice was level. It was almost errie.

"What? How did you find this out?" Olivia wondered why she hadn't been notified by the Jersey police.

"An officer came by to tell me. I guess they wanted to make sure I would be okay," she confessed.

"Are you?" Olivia knew she was leading the conversation to a place she shouldn't go. She shouldn't help the conversation along but underneath it all... she needed to talk to someone, even if it was Lucia.

"Am I upset that Joseph is dead? No," her voice shook and Olivia had to know why.

"Is there something else? Mia..." Olivia realized out loud. "Is she?"

"No... I mean, I don't know if she's dead but there was no trace of her... so far," Lucia was trying to hold it together. "May I ask a favor of you Olivia? I know I've been on your case since this all started but we haven't spoken in a while. Would you come to Joseph's funeral? I just want to talk about Mia. Please, I don't have anyone in this city."

Olivia felt horrible. She thought it was odd that Lucia would want to attend Joseph's funeral. Maybe she wanted to make sure he was really dead. But when Lucia mentioned being alone and just wanting to talk, Olivia couldn't turn her away. She was feeling hopeless at home and figured it couldn't hurt. After all, she was still Olivia's case.

"Yeah, I'll go to Joseph's funeral if you'd like," Olivia felt a twinge of guilt, but it only lasted a moment.

"Thank you detective. It really means a lot. I'll talk to you later," the relieved girl sounded on the other end.

Olivia flipped her phone closed and starred at the wall for a minute. Was this going to turn around and bite her in the ass? It was just a funeral appearence. She had attended countless funerals for victims in the past. This would be no different. This woman deserved someone to help her, even if it was only for one day. It was a small price to pay for someone in Lucia's position, to finally be able to take a breather.

_Should I tell Alex?_ Olivia wondered. _No, probably not the best idea. It's just a funeral. That's all._


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:** _Vanessa Daou - "If I Could (What I Would Do)" _

Now it's time for me  
To feel your pain  
To understand your shame  
To know you like I should

If I could  
I'd dive into your dreams  
And drown beneath your tears  
Swim the deepest sea

Olivia drove her car around the back of the church and sat there a minute before deciding to actually go in. If there were a point she could turn back, this would be it. But how could she be so worried? It's only church.

Olivia walked in to see a sea of black dresses and suits, with white hanky's and solemn faces. She looked around and didn't see Lucia in the small group up front. Her eyes wandered around the majestic structure and landed on a figure sitting quietly in the back corner of the room. Dressed in a fitted, gray suit, Lucia sat with her hands in her lap, ripping little pieces of paper.

"Hey," Olivia said, taking a seat next to her in the pew. She glanced up and smiled sideways, looking back to the scraps in her lap. Her long black hair was curled loosely, tumbling down over her petite shoulders. She looked beautiful and there was no point in denying it.

"Thanks for coming," she said softly. Turning her attention to the front of the service, as the people took their seats she added, "I hardly know these people. They were co-workers, I think. They have no idea who he really was." Her face was blank and Olivia wished she could read her so she would know what to say. Instead she stayed silent.

The service began and the priest spoke honorably of Joseph. The only noise out of Lucia was a half laugh at the words, " a man respected by his community." Why was she here? Olivia watched her out of the corner of her eye and realized for the first time, she didn't care whether Olivia noticed her or not today. She really did want someone for support, even if she wasn't going to talk about it.

After the service, the people cleared out, talking of where to go next. Brunch or back to their homes? Olivia waited for Lucia to stand but she didn't. She sat quietly and starred at the coffin in the front of the room. Olivia wondered if there was anything she could say, but nothing came.She would wait for her to lead the way.

"You must think I've lost my mind," she stated, looking ahead. She stood and Olivia stood with her. She walked to the front of the church; the open coffin acting as a magnet.

"Not at all. I i was /i wondering why you came here though, to be honest," The detective added walking along side of her.

"I needed to see for myself. See if he was really dead." She looked down at the still body in front of her. "I guess part of me wondered if God would help me find my sister. Sound's silly..."

"No. I don't think so. I think," Olivia paused. "People should turn to whatever they think will help them through a hard time." Her answer was true to her life. Why else would she be standing here today? And she wanted to help the younger woman. It's in her nature... Now, for the first time, she was feeling guilty for it.

"Would you like to go for coffee, Olivia?" She turned gracefully and looked at the taller woman. The brunette's name falling off of her glossed lips like a sweet song. Olivia felt odd suddenly. She knew she should say no but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Sure," Olivia nodded and the two headed out as the keeper closed the coffin behind us.

"Do you have to be back at the precinct soon?" Lucia asked, pulling her blazer off and wrapping it around her chair. Thunder rolled around outside the cafe.

"No, I'll be working this afternoon. We're pretty relaxed over there, as long as we don't take the day off." Olivia smiled and wrapped her hands around her cappuccino.

After about a short while, Lucia excused herself to the ladies room. Olivia sat back in her chair and starred blankly out the window. It felt nice to be able to talk and joke with another woman. Sure, the guys were funny but after a certain point, you want to connect with someone like you...

Where was Alex today, anyhow? The brunette thought she had said something about pulling an all-nighter for a case at 7 a.m. tomorrow. The blonde would be staying in her apartment i again /i tonight. Olivia sighed heavily and picked at a sugar packet on the table. Looking outside, she realized she had seen two busses stop in front of the cafe already. Lucia was talking her time and Olivia wondered if she was alright.

i "I'll give her five more minutes," /i She thought to myself, looking at her watch. When the five minutes clicked slowly by, the detective got up from the table and headed for the back.

Pushing open the swinging door, Olivia called Lucia's name softly. Out of four stalls, only one was shut. She could see Lucia's gray pants and pointed shoes. "Lucia?" She didn't answer. Olivia tapped the door with her fingertips and it swung open slowly, unlocked.

She was a mess. Her face a bright red, her eyes glazed over. She blew her nose in between huffs of a cry. "I'm sorry, Olivia.."

"Come on," Olivia reached under her arm to bring the sitting woman to stand. "It's okay," She said quietly and without thinking she was holding the distraught woman in her arms as she cried. The situation made her nervous when she realized she was stroking her hair. The brunettes body temperature began to rise as she began to concentrate on the chest heaving against her. "Take a deep breath," Olivia instructed, her voice shaking slightly.

As Lucia let the air escape her lips, she immediately regretted telling her that. Shivers went down her body and Lucia loosened her grip. Suddenly she was dragging her hands slowly down Olivia's back. The taller woman held her breath as Lucia's fingertips grazed the skin between her shirt and my pants. As Olivia felt her palms hit her skin, she knew she was in trouble. Lucia leaned back slowly and avoided Olivia's brown eyes. This green eyed woman didn't want permission and she didn't want resistance. Her nose touched Olivia's cheek lightly and then she felt their lips come together.

Olivia felt Lucia reach behind her and shut the stall door, only to push her up to it. The metal was cold against the thin fabric of Olivia's button down shirt but everything else was far from cold. Lucia's lips were soft and full and her fingers needed into the brunette's flesh. Olivia had to breathe and moved her face towards the ceiling as Lucia's hot tongue touched her neck... Then her earlobe.

"Come back with me," she ordered in a husky voice. "Back to my apartment..." Slow hot air, filtered into Olivia's ear.

"I... I..." She couldn't say it. Lucia's fingers flicked at her buttons, opening the shirt. "Lucia," Olivia breathed. She wanted to tell her to stop. Didn't she?

The young woman ignored Olivia's silent pleas and her head moved down to her chest. "Come back with me." She ordered again and lifted her head, meeting me eye to eye.

"I... Can't," Olivia whispered. Her fingertips traced the outline of Olivia's bra.

"You can."

It was unbearable. The feeling inside of the detective. She had need; she had lust; she had none of that coming from Alex. She had... Lucia.

"I can," Olivia whispered. Keeping their eyes locked, the darker haired woman reached down between Olivia's legs. She gripped hard and Olivia yelped without meaning to. "I can... I can," Olivia breathed heavy as her lips crashed back into her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**_ -Dave Matthews Band "Let You_ _Down"_

I let you down, oh, forgive me  
You give me love  
Let me walk with you, maybe I could say  
Maybe talk with you, open up  
And let me through  
Don't walk away

Lucia stepped back to move from the stall when a piece of glass hit the floor. They both froze and Olivia looked down.

"A pipe?" Olivia grabbed Lucia's hands, trying to pry them open, noticing they were fisted.

"No, Olivia... Please," her seductive manner gone, now begging for understanding.

"Open your hands." The brunette demanded. "Open your hands, right now." She clawed at them and the little bag of white crystals dropped from the shorter woman's fingers. Lucia tried to throw her weight at the detective to stop her from reaching for the bag but Olivia pushed past her and picked up the two items off the floor.

She held the pipe up to Lucia's face. She went to reach for it with tears streaming but Olivia slapped her hand away. "What is this?" She knew, she wanted her to say it. "What the hell _is_ this?"

"Please give it back," she cried, hanging her head.

"I could arrest you right now for this," Olivia spoke in an angry whisper.

Lucia looked away and leaned against the wall. She was clearly dizzy from the drugs and the hysterical crying.

"How much did you use?" Olivia spit out. Lucia didn't answer; she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Dammit!" Olivia slammed her fist against the wall.

She turned and walked out of the stall, buttoned her top buttons and stormed out of the bathroom. Grabbing her jacket and dropping a five dollar bill on the table, Olivia rushed out of the cafe.

"Jesus Christ, what is going on with me?" She shook her head and hailed a cab. "What the fuck am I doing?" She noticed her hand shaking as she waved it. A yellow cab pulled up and she pulled the door open.

"Olivia!" Lucia ran through the cafe door and stopped when she saw the cab. Olivia just looked at her and slammed the door. She didn't want to hear anything else this girl had to say. Olivia was clearly a mess. She felt ashamed and disgusting; used and deceitful. How could something so innocent turn so wrong, so fast? She just didn't understand.

"Liv, can you come here a minute?" The captain asked as she walked into the precinct. Her nerves flared up. Had Lucia called the captain? She didn't want this case anymore. "Close the door."

"What is it?" She asked, hoping he'd say that things were fine but that was a rare moment.

"It's Alex," he started. Her heart skipped a beat.

"She has a really heavy case going on with this cartel thing. Valez is really pissed off and I think she better be careful. The DA already told her to back off but she isn't. Now, I know you and Stabler don't want to give up on it either but I need all you guys to work together and I need you to be safe about it. Now that IAB is involved things are only going to get worse. I know you and Cabot are close so, l just want you to be aware." _ Close.. _ Olivia thought. _We couldn't be more far away right now._

"Okay," Olivia nodded.

"She's been getting in a few fights lately with the IAB and with her own department, so don't be surprised if she brings her aggression here too," he warned.

"Trust me, I won't," the detective rolled her eyes, knowing Alex's wrath all too much.

"Liv? Is everything okay with you lately?" He asked sincerely.

"Yeah," she smiled. "Nothing I can't handle," she lied.

"If you need anything, just let me know," he offered.

"Of course."

"Goodnight Liv," Munch said, putting his hat on and grabbing his briefcase.

"Night, John," Olivia smiled up from her computer and leaned back in her chair. The office was now empty and she could breathe for a moment.

Titling back in her chair, she stared at the ceiling. Moments with Lucia played terribly in her head repeatedly. Slapping her hands over her face, the brunette rubbed her eyes until they were sore.

"God damn, son of a bitch," she growled out loud to no one.

"Mouth like a sailor," came an unexpected answer. She snapped her head forward to see Alex standing in the doorway.

"Hey," She smiled up at the blonde, genuinely happy that it was i her /i and no one else in that door frame.

"Sounds like you've had a day like mine," she said, shuffling over to Olivia's desk. She dropped her bag on the floor and took a seat next to the tired woman.

"I'm sure they weren't far off. Everything that could go wrong... Did." Olivia told her truthfully. "I heard about your tiff with IAB."

"Screw them. What ever happened to justice for all?" She asked. Olivia looked up at her intently.

"Unfortunately that's just not how things work anymore."

"You okay?" She asked, noticing an odd look on her face.

"I think I will be," Olivia half laughed and leaned her elbows on the desk. Alex mirrored.

"Work sucks," she joked.

"Tell me about it," The older woman said, reaching out and pushing the blonde's hair to the side. She was almost afraid to touch Alex, like she would know that those hands had been somewhere else. "Are you coming home tonight?" Olivia's eyes pleaded with the words she couldn't say. She wanted to beg the A.D.A..

"Yeah," she smiled lazily. "I came to pick you up. Let's get some dinner and get the hell outta here."

"Okay," Olivia said relieved. She closed down the computer and picked up her things. "How about Chinese Delivery?"

"How about we go for a walk to the deli down the street, do take out, and hop a cab home? My treat," she offered.

"No, let me pay tonight," there was no way Olivia was going to let Alex pay and treat her so well after the day's events.

"No objection here," she said, picking her bag up and flipping the light switch.

The night was fair and the evening vendors sat outside and smiled at them as they walked by. Light poured out of their little grocery shops and Alex lead the way to the deli. She talked about her day and her plans for the Valez case. She was really into this one. Her brother had died from an overdose so the topic of drug abuse was a sore one.

"I was in the room with Valez and I told him he couldn't cut women's tongues off when they said he sucked in bed," she huffed as she opened the door to the deli. "Then he practically jumped over the table to strangle me. I almost shit my pants!" She exclaimed in all seriousness. Olivia laughed at her.

"A.D.A. Cabot shitting her pants?" The brunette joked. "Now there's a headline for the New Yorker."

"Shut up," she smiled, knocking the taller woman's elbow. She turned to the man behind the counter and ordered.

"Go call a cab and I'll meet you out there," she ordered as she took the twenty from Olivia's hand.

"Yes, Boss."

Olivia stood outside and hailed the cab. She looked around, half expecting Lucia to appear magically in her creepy way. Was she really stalking her? Should she have locked her up at Bellevue? She needs a psych-eval. Hell, Olivia felt she needed one at this point.

"Wonderful!" Alex chimed, seeing the yellow cab pull up as her heels hit the concrete. They hopped in and headed to Olivia's place.

Alex lay unconscious at the end of the couch, a half eaten sandwich dangerously close to falling to the floor. Olivia noticed and slipped it away from her, placing it on the coffee table. She wasn't ready for bed and didn't want to put Alex there just yet. Even if she was unconscious, Olivia wanted the blonde near her. She pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over the sleeping woman. Instinctively Alex rolled over, facing the couch cushions. Her legs stretched out over Olivia's lap and Olivia sat still, resting her hands on the back of Alex's knees.

The detective switched off Court Tv, which Alex made her watch whenever she was over. Olivia flipped through the channels and landed on late night tv. She wasn't watching it though. She turned and faced Alex. The blonde looked so soft and innocent when she was asleep but damn, she was scary when those eyes were open. Olivia wanted to tell her what happened but knew she'd loose any new connection that had formed. She simply couldn't tell. She couldn't tell her because she really did love her. It sounded like it didn't make sense, but it did. She didn't want to cause any problems and she didn't want to hurt Alex. Of course, she shouldn't have gotten involved with Lucia but it's happened. She feel lost. She was starting to think she couldn't keep up with all of this.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered softly but Alex only slept.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve:** I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

  
Oh, why is everything so confusing  
maybe I'm just out of my mind

It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life  
Wont you take me by the hand  
take me somewhere new  
I dont know who you are  
but I... I'm with you

"There's no reason for you to die for this case," Olivia scolded as Alex announced her fight against Valez. Her eyes snapped to Olivia's and read the fear on her face.

"I need to do this," Alex continued. She went on about how someone has to break the cycle and it may as well be her. The brunette listened with anxiety pulling at her chest. Alex was so nose deep in this case, she was ignoring all the obvious dangers that went along with it.

"I'm in," John stated, matter-of-fact. Fin followed. Olivia and Elliot nodded. She had to be in. If Alex was going to put herself out there, then Olivia had no choice but to follow.  
The blonde sensed the intent and smiled weakly thanking them all but looking to Olivia.

"That's _my_ address," Alex stated, though they all knew. Her eyes were wide as the recorder played. One inmate telling another to visit his 'girlfriend and her mother', meaning Alex and her family. Olivia's skin felt cold. A hit? On Alex? This case was starting to go over everyone's heads. Then when the agent's car blew up in front of their eyes, Olivia saw terror in Alex's for the first time; pure terror. Things were officially out of hand and oddly enough, Lucia had no part in them. In fact she had stopped calling since the day of Joseph's funeral. Olivia often worried if she had gone off and killed herself, or overdosed, or if she was just okay but that wasn't going to mean she'd go looking for the answers. She was fine where she was; unconnected to Lucia.

After the night of the car bomb, Alex made it a point to make the extra hike to Olivia's place after work. She had been rattled about the incident but wasn't ready to let anyone know about it. The guilt of that dead man kept her quiet mostly, happy she was still alive.

The case went on trial and The People let Valez go, only to let the Fed's arrest him instantly. Alex had come home that night, remembering the look that Valez gave her as the metal locked his wrists yet again.

"His eyes got sooo big," the blonde said, popping a cracker in her mouth. Olivia put her feet on the coffee table and Alex did the same. They sat side by side, Alex's cheek resting on the ball of Olivia's shoulder. "It was like the first time I had him in interview and he came at me... Big," she said, making circle gestures with her hands. "It was kind of scary," she admitted, both of their eyes locked on the TV. Valez's lawyer yelled into the camera, screaming 'injustice!' at the women in Olivia's apartment.

"Well it's over now and Valez and his BIG eyeballs are giving evil looks to other city personnel," the brunette laughed, trying to give light to the situation. It was rare that Alex admitted she was upset or bothered by a criminal but judging by the looks he just gave the news crew, Olivia could only imagine.

"Yeah," the blonde smiled. "Donnelly gave me the next two days off," she said picking through the saltine's plastic wrapping.

"What are you going to do?"

"Sleep. Mmm... Clean and mail a package to my sister."

"Wow. I'm so jealous _I_ don't have the day off. The things I could do!" Olivia cracked, feeling a slap on the thigh. "OWW! Violence is not the answer!" She grumbled, rolling away from the blonde.

"What are you going to do about it? Call me in on domestic violence?"

"You? Domestic? Ha!" Olivia joked pretending to be repulsed by the blonde. Alex laughed, throwing the crackers on the coffee table and turned to charlie horse the brunette's leg.

"Jesus Alex!" Olivia shielded her head as the couch pillow slammed into her arm. "That's it. I'm going to have to use excessive force!" She rolled up and grabbed Alex by the waist, pinning her down.

"I want your badge number!" She yelped with a grin.

"4051. And when you give the police that number, tell them it's the badge of the officer you _assaulted_," Olivia grinned.

"That wasn't assault," Alex protested seriously.

"Oh really, what was it?" Olivia asked, still holding a non-struggling A.D.A., her look expectant.

"THIS," Alex squealed, kneeing Olivia in the groin, "is assault."

"OH!" Olivia wailed before crumpling up and falling off the couch like a dead bug. Alex laughed as she leapt off the cushions and rolled the brunette over to sit on her. "ALEX! GET OFF!" The 'assaulted' woman laughed as her face turned red at the weight on her abdomen.

"Better?" She moved her body to lay flat on top of the detective. Olivia laughed beneath her, sending Alex up and down playfully.

"Yes," Olivia's laughs subsided and she smiled at Alex. She paused a moment and then suddenly leaned up and kissed her, passionately. Alex was taken back.

They hadn't been able to be together for the last month because of the case. All they had were chase kisses in the hall or in Alex's office. There had been little time for affection or even the talk of it. They both felt good having it back.

Alex smiled and leaned back to look at the brunette beneath her. She rested her cheek on her palm.

"I want to drop the charges," Olivia egged on.

"Really? What made you change your mind?" Alex asked, laying her head down, tucking her nose behind the detectives ear.

"Well, I was assaulted but..." She smiled at the feel of Alex's weight on top of her. "I liked it." She felt Alex giggle against her.

The two became silent; serious. Alex's breathing became soft as she closed her eyes. "I could stay right here forever."

"Welcome home," Olivia said staring at the crack along her ceiling.

"What do you mean?" Alex inquired, the blue of the TV screen flashing over her head.

"You can live in my arms as long as you like," Olivia smiled although Alex could not see. "Even forever."

"Thanks," the feel of Alex's cheeks rising over a smile made Olivia's chest tighten. She sighed, pulling the petite woman tighter against her.

"That's just it," Alex frowned, placing the beer on the table. "Even when we win... We don't." Elliot shot Olivia a questioning look and the brunette looked back to the discouraged attorney. "Come on, let's get outta here."

"Sure you don't need a ride home?" Elliot offered.

"No, I'm just a few blocks away. I'll walk," Alex smiled folding her coat over her arm.

Then it happened. Olivia heard the crack of a gun and dropped to the cement; her heart beating hard in surprise. She turned, expecting to see an untouched blonde; expecting to tell her some words of comfort when she saw..._it_ . The blood oozed through the pastel V-neck as Alex lay silent. Her eyes blinking in question.

"Alex! ALEX!" Olivia screeched, her eyes searching the street in panic. No training from any academy could prepare her for this. The warm blood of the woman she loved seeping, mockingly, through her clammy fingers. "Someone! Call 9-1-1!!"

If anything flashed before Olivia's eyes right then it was loosing coffee breaks with Alex... Not seeing her unexpectedly walk into the precinct. No kisses stolen when no one was looking. And who would she hold at night? And what if she could never hear the timbre of Alex's rich voice? And Jesus... What if she couldn't smell her clean skin after a shower? Life didn't seem to exist after potentially loosing any one of those moments.

"You're okay sweetheart. You'll be okay. It's okay, Alex. It's okay," the brunette huffed. Elliot stood behind her in shock.

The ambulance came and Olivia jumped in with her, gripping her hand resisting the urge to squeeze it too hard. She hung her head as Alex closed her eyes. Snapping her head back up she tapped the blonde's cheeks. "Don't you sleep. Don't you dare," the detective ordered but it was obvious her eyelids were too heavy for her. "Come on baby, please," Olivia begged. Tears streaming her face as the medic looked at her suddenly understanding.

The ambulance sped through the streets; sirens blaring between them and Elliot. Olivia could see the cruiser behind them as she held Alex's hand up to her own cheek. Her chest was heavy and her breathing was labored. The thought... The mere question that Alex might not open her eyes again was tearing her insides to shred's like a razor in her stomach.

When they reached the hospital, they were separated instantly. Olivia stood at the glass Emergency doors and watched until Alex was out of sight. Elliot came up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She was frozen in front of the doors; her lip quivering.

"It's okay," Elliot spoke softly and pulled her into a hug. She gripped his shoulders so tightly he was sure there would be bruises there in the morning. But Olivia didn't cry. She held it all in. If she cried she'd be admitting defeat. She'd be openly accepting that Alex wouldn't make it out of surgery but in her mind, Alex was going to walk into that waiting room and order to be brought home with a deli sandwich.

The longest hour of their lives later, Olivia and Elliot found themselves being called upon from the doctor. Elliot stood up and Olivia, reading the look on the doctor's face, remained sitting. Her heart began to ache with the worst feeling she had ever known. That look... She knew that look.

"Miss Cabot," the doctor said. He spoke about the operation but Olivia couldn't hear him. She saw him shaking his head and she mirrored him without noticing.

"No." She stated.

"I'm sorry," the blurry words hit the air like a bomb.

Olivia's mouth went dry. She tried to blink but she couldn't. Elliot turned to look at her and put his hand on her shoulder as the doctor went on. The brunette was deaf by now. Only the words, 'I'm sorry' rang outrageously in her mind. She shook her head over and over. Suddenly feeling her shoulder slip from his hand, Elliot turned to see Olivia slide out of the chair on to her knees.

"Liv!" Elliot bent down to pick her up but she swung at him.

"Don't touch me!" She screamed. The doctor stepped back.

"It's okay," he said to the doctor, nodding for him to retreat without calling security. "Liv, come on."

"Don't touch meeee!" Her yelled turned into a sob and she beat the cold tiled floor with her fists until Elliot dropped to his knees in front of her and grabbed her arms. "Let go!! LET GO!!"

"It's okay," he cooed, holding her forcefully against him. "It's okay. It's okay, shh." What else could he say?

"It's not," Olivia whined, sniffling and growing limp against him. "It's not, Elliot. It's not." She shook her head and he held her still.

"We'll be okay," he assured her in a whisper. "We'll be okay, Sweetheart."

"Never again. No. I won't," Olivia gasped for air in between her cries.

Unaware and unconscious Alex lay, dripping with morphine, three doors away.  



	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen:** Deathcab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

It's nothing to cry about  
Cause we'll hold each other soon  
In the blackest of rooms  
Then I'll follow you into the dark  


Not being able to sleep after Elliot dropped her off, Olivia put her running shoes on. It was rounding 4 a.m. She had spent the first hour at home pacing and the second hour home sitting silently. She couldn't scream or cry any more so why bother? She felt herself dry up and close shop.

The crisp city morning hit her like a brick wall. She jogged through her dark neighborhood and straight for Central Park. She ran even when her legs burned and her chest ached to catch up. She ran to the one place they used to meet for lunch on a nice day. Olivia could tell Alex loved to watch the boats in the water, even though she never said so. Alex rarely disclosed her simple joys. It was Olivia's job to pick up on them.

The brunette ended her run by throwing up in the bushes beside the bridge. She squatted down in the grass and hung her head, letting all the blood rush forward. Behind her the sun rose lazily over the chrome jungle and through the make shift park. _Another day is starting,_ Olivia thought. _And Alex isn't part of it..._ She rolled back on her heels and stood.

A few boats took the morning breeze and Olivia watched, resting on the iron railing. She wanted to feel like Alex was beside her but there was only air. Her chest burned from the exercise and her mind felt numb. She didn't want to be back in the apartment with the painful reminders of the blonde. Even thought her presence was laced within the precinct as well, at least there, Olivia wasn't alone.

The detective walked the main street towards the station, passing people beginning another day. The sun was now crawling over the tips of the buildings and an uncharacteristically warm heat, toasted her back. She thought of the irony and shook her head. Passing a news cart, her eyes caught something... Alex's. The brunette stopped dead in her tracks, nearly sending a business man's coffee over her shoulder. The blonde's eyes burned through her from a gray paper as Olivia reached and held it in her shaky hands.

_"No Leads on Slain A.D.A._

"Slain..." Olivia murmured quietly, starring hard at the print.

"Hey lady, you gonna buy that?" The cart owner asked as Olivia's eyes ripped from the page. She rolled up a dollar bill, threw it in his face and walked away looking back down at Alex.

"This picture doesn't do you justice," she mumbled to the picture. Her eyes welled up, "no pun intended," she huffed. A half smile traced the blondes lips. It was no doubt a media shot after a tough case. Alex hated having her picture taken by the press. The brunette had much better ones at the apartment but she was in no condition to face those today.

Swinging the door to the precinct open, Olivia made her way to the ladies locker room without making eye contact with anyone. There were a few 'good morning's' and 'I'm sorry's' but she acted as though they were not meant for her. She shed her clothes and threw them to the bottom of her locker, swiping her towel she turned the corner to the showers.

Always one to be prepared, she stepped out of the shower and grabbed her back up clothes. She always had something there in case she'd have to stay over at the precinct on a hard case, although she rarely found time to change when that happened anyhow. The tired but alert detective dressed and headed out to face the day.

"Liv, I called to pick you up this morning." Looking up from her computer, Elliot stood across from her desk. He hadn't slept at all.

"Sorry. I walked," she offered and looked back to the computer screen. She glanced down at the newspaper on her desk. Alex's annoyed camera glare looked back. Hearing Elliot drop something on his desk, Olivia looked up to see an identical paper slip from his hands. She reached down and unclipped her badge. She starred at the shinning numbers and rubbed her thumbs over them.

_"Why do you leave your shield hanging around like this," the blonde scolded, picking it up off the coffee table. _

"Because I don't want it cutting into your bony hips when you lay on the couch with me," the brunette said with a smirk, keeping her attention on pouring water into the tea kettle in the kitchen. She could hear the light pad of feet over the hardwood floor make their way to her.

"That's a lie," Alex said, pulling the green tea bags from the cupboard. "Your hips are bonier than mine anyhow."

"What? I could have triplets with these girls!" Olivia laughed and grabbed Alex at the waist, causing her to squirm away.

"Look!" The brunette laughed, pinching at her skin, "you could have a chihuahua with these!" Alex gasped, trying to produce a very insulted look but only laughed as the brunette pulled at her. She slipped away again.

"No, you hurt my feelings! Bitch!" She giggled.

"Blonde!" Olivia swung her hand and grabbed Alex's arm, spinning her around before she could get away, and pulled her close to her.

"Unhand me," Alex said, cocking her head to the side. She held up the gold badge, "I could have you arrested for assaulting an officer of the court."

"Not if she liked it," the brunette teased, stealing chase kisses from the blonde. "Give that back to me," she smirked as Alex kissed her, holding her thin, pale arm and the badge over their heads.

"Only if you promise one thing," she drew back and smiled sweetly.

"What's that?" Olivia asked, her arms loosening her grip as the kettle began to whistle again.

"Make sure this **shield** does it's job," her blue eyes pleaded and Olivia gave a quizzical look. "Keep you safe, I mean."

The brunette smiled and kissed her softly before turning to shut the screaming kettle off. "I've got you for that," she said pouring the steaming water into a mug. "I'll just use your hips as a shield."

"You're a wise ass," the blonde stated.

"I know."

A knot twisted inside of the detective as the memory flashed away from her. She rubbed the gold of the badge and pulled the black band around the front of it and dropped it, ungracefully onto her desk, unable to look at it or the paper.

"People! Why don't I have things done for this case?" Cregan came out the door, frustrated about a thousand and one things.

"We got A.D.A.'s workin' on it from other precincts!" Elliot snapped, then looked to Olivia. Elliot, forever responsible for everyone else's mistakes, felt Alex's death was no different. He was pissed that he hadn't saved her miraculously. "They just don't care," he said softer.

"Benson. Stabler. Agent Donahue wants to meet you here later," he said sternly handing a piece of paper to Elliot.

"Why?" He asked, Olivia only watched them.

"Somethin' about closin' out the case," he said, before storming back into his office.

"How you doin'?" Elliot asked from the drivers seat. Olivia watched as the night fell around them, only instigating her mood. She looked over at him and shrugged. What could she say? She felt like someone had taken a chain saw to her insides.

"If you ever want to talk, I mean day or ni--"

"Thanks Elliot," she placed a hand on his, halting his words. She turned back to the window and noticed the paved road turn to gravel.

"Where the hell are we?" Elliot spoke aloud, squinting at the windshield. From the looks of it, they were in a marsh on the far outskirts of the city. Olivia furrowed her brow as black SUV's and red tail lights came into view up ahead.

The two detectives sluggishly got out of the car and the agent approached them with a certain knowledgable air about him. Olivia couldn't place it but something was unsettling about this meeting.

"This one wouldn't take no for an answer," Donahue said and as he opened the car door. Olivia was floored when she saw a familiar pair of shoes lead up to a familiar set of eyes.

"Alex," she barely strangled out. Her chest heaved with relief, with sorrow, with confusion. "Witness protection?"

Alex was silent, looking everywhere but Olivia's face. The counselor had a talent for holding back and this would be no different. "I'm so sorry about all of this," Alex said, shaking her head. She spoke more to Olivia then Elliot because she was talking about leaving the brunette, not the case that had torn her from them. Olivia's eyes welled up and she stepped forward, forcing the blonde to look at her. The eyes that stopped her on the street that morning from a gray paper, now full of life and emotion and answers.

"How long?" The older woman's lip quivered and Elliot was at a loss for words. Alex shrugged, seeing the horror in Olivia's eyes ripped her apart, knowing this was all her fault. For the first time in her life, Alexandra Cabot had been knocked down a peg... Or fifty. And Olivia had questions and Alex had no answers.

"Your funeral's tomorrow," the brunette added. Alex looked in her eyes, begging silently for her to be okay.

"And you're both expected to attend," Donahue added sternly. "Right now, Ms. Cabot is better off dead."

_Better off dead._ The words rang in Olivia's ears like sirens. No, she was not better off dead. She was better off home.

"Come on, let's go," Donahue coaxed the counselor into the car and she turned back to the dumb struck detective and nodded. Alex's nod. It was their gesture. Their secret. In the courtroom, in the precinct and in public. Alex would nod to Olivia in silence and Olivia would know what it meant. It was how Alex told her that things would be okay... That she'd be okay. They'd be together again someday.

Olivia nodded back, unable to speak another word as Donahue closed the car door. Alex's silhouette was the last thing Olivia could make out before the line of cars drove out of view. She looked to Elliot who was equally as shocked at the event. They stood there for a moment and the brunette let her tears slip. Elliot went to touch her arm and she turned away. She walked a few feet towards where the cars had gone and stopped. Elliot looked at his partner standing there in the headlights of their cruiser, completely shattered. She looked like dog that had been forgotten and abandoned.

"Olivia..."

"Jesus," she said crossing and arm over her chest and covering her face with her hand. Elliot walked cautiously towards her and touched her shoulder gently.

"Come on, let's go." She looked up at him.

"Now what?" She shook her head and shrugged.

"She's safe and she's breathing," he answered softly. "This is the best news all day."

Olivia nodded, her mind clouded with thoughts. She wanted to run into the car and follow the blonde into the dark but that would do them no good. Instead she got into the car and let Elliot bring her back to the precinct.


End file.
